one of those mornings where you don't bother fighting the alarm clock. where waking up on the wrong side of the bed finally makes sense. even though the bed is pushed up against the wall. slowly remember why i'm waking up, trying to remember where there is a pit in my stomach. it must of grown overnight. go about any early morning routine and don't mind walking out of the apartment, despite the 10 degree weather. inside, i feel uncertainty even though i know exactly where i'll be going all day. somehow, i've stopped being a good liar. to be a good liar you must convince yourself as well as those you lie to. people ask if i'm happy, i say yes. because i don't have a sufficient answer for no. somehow attempting to know me will ask if this is what i want to do, and i say yes. and suddenly i realize that is a lie too. now it seems doing anything else will raise questions and amazement. naturally, i don't care, but the annoyance of it all is enough to drive me away. please shut up! and last nite with the nite surprising off, i realized i have been missing nothing while trapped here. lazy and bored. everyone wants to be entertained, but no one wants to participate. and it could be ok. to just sit there and watch television... but as soon as one person asks the awful question "what do you want to do?" suddenly sitting on the couch is morally wrong. i need something. this happened one nite when i was pouring bowls of cereal i didn't eat. somethings missing. i don't know if i had it, and it's gone - or if i grew and now i need something new... my entire body notices this need and it slows me down, makes me lie to everyone. i might have to go look for it. elsewhere. 24 january 2003